50 Hilarious roman jokes

Published: February 20, 2012

I created this list of popular roman jokes, chosing the 50 that I consider the most common or hilarious­. Overflowing grossness, intricate threats, ruthless remarks: they’re so politically incorrect that it’s very hard not to laugh.

Quella c’ha na ciornia tarmente spampanata che quando core j’applaude (that woman’s pussy has been smashed so much, that when she runs you can hear an applause)

That woman donates her body with a lot of generosity.

Come scivolà su n tappeto de cazzi, ndo cadi cadi lo piji ar culo! (it’s like falling on a carpet of dicks, wherever you fall, you take it in your ass)

It’s used in a situation where all the alternatives are considered very bad.

Ma quello è er naso tuo o te stai a magnà na frappa? (but is that your nose or are you eating a frappa?)

This remark is for someone who has a particularly big nose. Its meaning is that if you have such big nose, and I see you by your profile, it looks like if you’re holding something in front of your face, like a frappa that you are eating. A frappa is an italian pastry, typical of the carnival period.

Se la bruttezza fosse n museo, quella sarebbe er Louvre. (if ugliness would be a museum, she would be the Louvre)

It’s used to comment the body of a woman who didn’t have big luck with her physical appearance.

Famo come l’antichi che magnavano le cocce e buttavano li fichi. (we do like ancient people, who used to eat the peels and throw away the figs)

This one suggests not to emulate ancient people, who are not considered very smart in this case, since they did the opposite of what the common sense would tell. Originally, it probably referred to ancient Greeks and their “questionable” sexual morality. Interestingly, I usually eat the whole figs, peels included…

Hai visto più cazzi te che i cessi dell’Olimpico. (you’ve seen more dicks that the toilets of the Olympic stadium)

This very elegant and refined consideration is directed to a woman who has plenty of sex experience with men.

So rimasto co na scarpa e na ciavatta. (I am with one shoe and one slipper)

It means that I reached a very low condition, for example financially: I can’t even afford to buy two shoes. I can have one shoe, but for the other foot I have to use a slipper! For example, I started to play poker with plenty of fiches, but after few unwise hands, now I’ve lost all of them: I am currently with “na scarpa e na ciavatta”!

L’omo ha da puzzà. (a man has to smell)

This is the philosophy of the macho man, that doesn’t have to use deodorant, creams, or be too concerned about his appearance. A “real” man sweats, and he is not always clean and perfect.

Mo te stacco le braccia e te ce meno. (now I tear up your arms and I use them to beat you)

One of the countless funny ways the Romans use to threaten someone. When a threat is formulated in a way like this, it’s usually a fake threat: the person who says it is pretending to be an aggressive jerk (but few times he really is!)

Ma che abbiti ar Colosseo? (what, do you live in the Coliseum?)

I was asked this several times when I was in school. As you know, the Coliseum is full of openings and there are no doors. If you leave a room without closing the door after you, like I used to do in class, it’s very likely that someone will protest by asking “hey, do you live in the Coliseum?”, like my teacher used to do.

Chi se fa li cazzi sua campa cent’anni. (he who thinks to his own business lives 100 years)

"Cazzi sua" literally is "own dicks", but means "own business". This one suggests not put your nose into someone else’s business, this way you’ll not get in trouble and live longer.

Si te metti e carze a rete me pari n'arosto. (if you wear fishnet tights you look like roast beef)

One of the many gratuitous jokes used to make fun of fat women, especially those who regardless of their fat legs wear provocative and sexy outfits.

C’hai n soriso verticale che è na favola. (your vertical smile is as beautiful as a fairy tale)

This is a very gross compliment used by roman men to appreciate the intimate parts of a woman. The "vertical smile" can be either the female genitals or the ass. You can hear this in the movie Gallo Cedrone from the actor Carlo Verdone, where he plays perfectly the role of the roman cafone. Approaching a hot woman who’s walking in the street, directly from his sport car, he says "look at your site, did anyone ever click on it? You have a vertical smile as beautiful as a fairy tale, it only lacks the ability to speak!"

Hai visto più comete che fregne. (you’ve seen more comets than pussies)

Dear friend, I empathize with you since you’re not very lucky with women.

C’hai li peli der culo tarmente lunghi che quanno scureggi piji na frustata. (your ass hair is so long that every time you fart you get whipped)

A subtle suggestion: maybe for you it’s time to consider a wax on your glutes.

Stamo a fa er giro de e 7 chiese. (we are doing the tour of the 7 churches)

This one is perfect for me, since I am very bad at finding directions in Rome (thanks-heaven for the gps). It means that we are following a very tortuous and long route to reach the destination. Like if, instead of pointing straight to the target, we are visiting the 7 churches of Rome. Rome is considered the “city of the 7 churches” since, in the XVI century, San Filippo Neri introduced the pilgrimage tradition of visiting the four big basilicas: Saint Peter in the vatican, Santa Maria maggiore, San Paolo fuori le mura, San Giovanni in laterano, and the three minor basilicas San Sebastiano sull’appia, Santa Croce in gerusalemme, San Lorenzo fuori le mura.

Sei simpatica come li peli de li carciofi. (you’re as lovely as artichoke hairs)

Your sense of humor is really bad and you’re very annoying. Usually told to annoying people.

Te mischio come n mazzo de carte. (I shuffle you like a deck of cards)

Threat. You’re irritating me very much.

Lampeggia tra le cosce de tu madre che n’amico mio c’ha perso na panda. (go to flash the lights between your mother’s legs, a friend of mines lost a Panda there)

Panda is an Italian car model. If you live in Rome, you can understand how wild and stressful the traffic is. A typical situation is that people try to overtake you frantically, they stick to your car’s back and start flashing the lights aggressively. A humorous roman in this situation, with some jerk behind who is aggressively flashing the lights, would probably use this phrase, suggesting to the jerk that his mother’s vagina is as busy as the street.

Anvedi che gnocca. (look at the gnocca)

This is a phrase that you can easily hear from a group of guys when, for example, a very attractive woman walks in front of them. “Anvedi” is the roman form of “vedi”: look. Gnocca (female singular form of gnocchi, a type of Italian pasta) in this case means “hot chick”. So, anvedi che gnocca means: look at that hot chick!

Ma che te sei magnato n topo morto? (what did you eat, a dead rat?)

You ask this question to someone whose breath is not exactly “fresh”. The hypothesis is that he/she ate a dead rat, only that could explain the smell coming out the mouth.

Ma che c’hai n bocca, n cruciverba? (but what do you have in your mouth, a cross word?)

Used to make fun of someone who has one or more teeth missing.

C’hai più corna te de n cesto de lumache. (you have more horns than a basket of snails)

I heard this for the first time during a rugby match, in a stadium. A ~60 yo -very picturesque- woman was yelling it to the referee (!) In Italian “having the horns” means that your partner (wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend) is cheating on you. This is a frequently used to mock someone. So, for each time your partner cheated on you, you “earned” a pair of horns… and if you have more horns than a basket of snails would have, probably your partner is not the most loyal on the planet…

Mica stamo a pettinà le bambole. (we’re not here to comb the dolls hair)

It’s pretty easy to hear someone say this when he wants to remark that he’s involved in a meaningful activity, not something useless of superficial, like combing some dolls. For example if I say “Hei you completed the project you’ve been working on these weeks! It works!” you can answer “of course it does, what do you think? We’re not combing the dolls hair here!”.

Ar posto de e zinne c’hai du pedalini. (in place of the tits you have a couple of socks)

Your breast is not particularly tight.

Stai a cacà fori dar vaso. (you’re pooping out of the toilet seat)

This is an alert you give to someone who passing the limit (pooping out of the seat) with words or behavior. The following phrase is probably going to be a threat, like the next one…

Te do na pisellata sulla spalla che te faccio fa la via crucis. (I’ll hit your shoulder with my dick and make you walk the via crucis)

In the Christian mythology, Jesus carried a heavy cross on his shoulder through a series of stations, to reach the place where he was eventually crucified. If a man uses this phrase, not only he is threatening you, he is also implying that his dick is as big and heavy as that cross. Definitely macho.

Sei cosi sfigato che si te passa a morte vicino se gratta i cojoni. (you’re such a loser that when Death walks nearby she scratches her balls)

Not only loser, sfigato is also someone who causes bad luck to others. Scratching the balls in Italy is a gesture that traditionally keeps away the bad luck. But if you’re so sfigato that even Death scratches her balls when she sees you (Death is a female character in the Italian culture, but in this case she has the balls too), it means that you’re a giant loser.

Vorei sta 5 minuti dentro a testa tua pe riposamme npo. (I’d like to stay 5 minutes inside of your head to rest a little bit)

Your head is a very quiet place, the isn’t the noise of a single thought.

T’hanno beccato cor sorcio n bocca. (they caught you with the rat in your mouth)

It means: "they caught you in the exact moment when you were doing something bad". It refers to cats that hunt for mice, and then keep them in their mouths once they killed them. For example if a thief is caught in a jewelry by the police, he can’t find any justification because he’s been caught with the mouse in his mouth.

Si te butteno n piragna dentro e mutanne se more de fame. (if someone throws a piranha inside your underpants, it will starve)

The dimensions of your penis are not exactly what I would define “impressive”.

Si le cose nun le sai, salle. (if you don’t know it, know it)

This roman joke gained popularity in recent years. It’s a way to make fun of those who ignore something. For example if a friend asks me “Can you help me removing a virus from my pc? I really don’t how to do it”, I could wear a sapient face and make fun of him by replying “eh! if you don’t know it, know it”, pretending that it’s his “fault” if he doesn’t know.

E che t’ho detto cotica!? (did I call you cotica!?)

Cotica is the skin of the pig, it’s considered one of the least “noble” parts of the animal (it’s used a lot in the regional cuisine tough, “beans with cotiche” is a classic). If someone is mad at you for something you said, but you don’t feel that your words were offensive, you can say “come on, why are you becoming so upset? I didn’t call you cotica!”

Te pijo pelle recchie e te scarto come na caramella. (I take you by your ears and I unwrap you like a candy)

Threat. Stay away from me or you’re going through serious troubles soon.

Sei tarmente brutto che quanno tu padre t’ha portato allo zoo j’hanno dato du elefanti de resto. (you’re so ugly, that when your father brought you to the zoo, they gave him two elephants as change)

The owners of the zoo are honest people: they were so impressed by your ugliness that they felt like giving something huge as change, to have a fair trade.

Li mortacci tua! (your "mortacci"!)

Mortacci is a strengthened version of "morti", which in Italian means "dead ones". This is a very popular  way to imprecate in Rome. For example: you’re walking on a sidewalk. A car suddenly appears on the street, hits a puddle and washes you from hair to toes. In this case you’ll probably feel like screaming “li mortacci tua!” to the driver.

But notice that this phrase is also used in a good-natured way between friends sometimes, for example: I am having a beer with my friend Anna in a pub. Right after we start to drink, I distract for a moment to talk with another friend in another table, and when I look back to Anna she has already finished her entire beer. I could tell her, surprised, "mortacci, did you finish the whole beer?".

Qua se magna e se rotta come fiji de na mignotta. (here we eat and burp like sons of a bitch)

This is something that you could hear from a bunch of friends, who are eating and drinking abundantly in a restaurant. Fijo de na mignotta (from the italian “figlio di una mignotta”, son of a bitch) is usually an offense, but when you say it to yourself and your friends, you’re actually declaring that you’re aware that you’re eating, drinking and burping without any decency. And you’re glad of it.

E’ così vecchia che dalle tette j’esce er latte in polvere. (she is so old that from her tits comes out milk powder)

This is used to indicate that a woman is too old to be sexy. For example “ehi guys what do you think of that one?”, “nah! She’s so old that form her tits comes milk powder!”

C’ho certi cazzi ar culo che manco te che sei der mestiere l’hai mai visti. (I have such big dicks in my ass, that even someone like you, who is in the business, has never seen)

"Having a dick is the ass" in Rome is a way to say that you’re going through a difficult situation or that you have a problem (someone could disagree here). The meaning of this one is: I have some troubles (big dicks in my ass), and so big that you can’t even understand (even if you’re in the "business" of taking dicks in your ass).

Che dio ce la mandi bona…e possibilmente bionna e senza mutanne. (let’s hope that God sends us a good one… and possibly blonde and withoud underwear)

This joke lays on the foundation of the italian saying "che dio ce la mandi buona", where buona (good) refers to luck: let’s hope that god sends us good luck. But in roman dialect “buona” becomes "bona", a word that is also used to describe a hot chick. So it’s a typical joke that when someone says "che dio ce la mandi bona" (referring to the luck) someone else humorously completes the phrase adding "and possibly blonde and without underwear", implying that the hope originally expressed was not for good luck, but for a hot chick.

Solo n giorno e già è passata a li microfoni. (after just one day she approached the microphones)

"Approaching the microphone" means sucking a dick. If a girl "approaches the microphones" after just one day from the first date, it means that she’s very favorable to practice oral sex.

Fai tarmente schifo che quanno te fai la doccia le verruche se metteno le ciavatte. (you’re so disgusting that when you take a shower, the warts wear their mules)

This is said to someone who doesn’t have a great personal hygiene. Typically it’s the opposite, people wear mules to avoid the warts…

A chi je tocca nun se ngrugna. (if it’s your turn, don’t get pissed off)

It means that if it’s your turn to do something unpleasant, or you’re going through something that in the long term everybody goes through (for example going to work, having a flu…) just accept it, and don’t get pissed off ("ingrugnarti").

Scopà co quella è come buttà n salame in mezzo a n coridoio. (fucking that woman is like throwing a salami in the middle of a corridor)

It means that the woman’s pussy is so worn and wide that if you make sex with her you would not even feel any contact… like it would be for a salami thrown in the middle of a corridor!

…e se mi nonno c’aveva tre palle era n flipper. (…and if my grandpa had three balls he would be a flipper)

This sarcastic joke is used to reply to someone who just said something improbable, in a conditional form. For example if my flat mate, who is notoriously lazy, says "oh! if I had more free time I would definitely go to the gym and train hard!", I can reply "yes, yes, of course… and if my grandpa had three balls he would be a flipper."

Se li stronzi volavano tu madre te dava da magnà co la mazzafionna. (if assholes would fly your mother would feed you with a slingshot)

I am subtly assuming that you’re an asshole. “stronzo”, literally “turd”, in Italian is used as asshole in English.

Datte all’ippica cor cavallo a dondolo. (go to a horse race on a rocking horse)

This joke is told to someone who says something that is not appreciated, or that is totally out of context (like racing on a rocking horse in a hippodrome would be).  For example if we are a group of atheists and we are talking about the scandals in the Vatican, if you say "I think that everything was a fake hype, no priest has ever abused little kids" it’s very likely that some of our group would give a pat on your back, and tell you friendly "listen, go to a horse race with a rocking horse".

C’hai più complessi der concerto der primo maggio. (you have more “complessi” than the concert of May 1st)

In Italian "complessi" means both "musical bands" and "paranoias". The concert held each year in piazza San Giovanni in Rome for May 1st is a very popular one, with plenty of musical bands that play. If I tell you that you have more complessi than that concert, I’m actually saying that you have a lot of paranoias.

Quello nun magna pe non cagà. (he doesn’t eat so he doesn’t have to poop)

This is used to indicate someone who is extremely stingy… So stingy that he doesn’t want to give away anything at all… even his poop.

C’hai tanta barba n faccia che si te magni na banana pare n film porno. (you have so much beard on your face that if you eat a banana it looks like a porn movie)

This is used to make fun of a woman who has some hair on her face.

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